>LATEST MATCH REPORT: MENS 4TH XI
Saturday 31st October
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For those of you unaware of the phenomenon of James “Mick” “Beamer” “Jagger” Eason, there is much to tell.
Born in Scotland in 1905, James from a young age new what he wanted - to be as quintessentially English as possible.
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But how to achieve this? The early years were spent picking pockets (or two) and many fans point to this as being a key formative point in young James’ life and future pop star status. |
Roaming the streets of West Byfleet no one was safe from this artful dodger, but the lovably rogue was never in trouble for long!!
The cockney lyrics and brushes with the law were not exciting enough for young James though. There had to be more that he could do with his life!! War came to Britain and with it the opportunity to travel. James headed off to India full of hope and excitement of what the future would bring, and was were the young beamer would meet Andrew Rollo, a huge influence on the young man’s future!!
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It was in India, and whilst very, very drunk, that Beamer discovered his ability to play hockey. The story is that one afternoon whilst enjoying the 5pm G&T, James’s glass was stolen by a monkey, and it made off with it... up a tree. An inebriated James remonstrated with the monkey and those at the bar around him about “...bloody money, blah blah blah, pointed stick, blah blah, coconut, blah blah, up a tree!! |
And that is where it happened. James took the pointed stick in his hand, aimed for the coconut and smashed it into the tree, knocking out the unsuspecting monkey. The locals immediately took to him and he became the “Guru Nanak Dev” or “he with the death monkey swing” and a University is still named after him today!
This is where Beamer developed his instantly recognisable accent and developed his knack for shooting Tigers (or later Leopards) whilst very, very drunk!!
The second great war brought yet more opportunity for James. This time as a wine dealer for the French, Italians and Spanish to rich German buyers. It is even rumoured that;
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The Sangiovese is Italy's most famous grape. It is used to make some of the best Tuscan wines, including Chianti. It is often blended with Cabernet in the Super-Tuscan wines. Was nearly lost in the 1940’s, until the San (Saint) Gio (Italian abbreviation for James) Ese (an early Latin way of spelling Eason), rescued it from obscurity!! |
After the second great war, James went East... to Russia. In an era of Stalin, Lenin and Trotski, the great Beamski or (James Easin) is often forgotten!! And yet a part of him remains in each and every Russian through their very own national anthem. In a recent interview James revealed the original translation of the Russian Anthem, and it gives a superb insight into his feelings at the time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fRU_k4tjoU (Listen whilst reading)
| RUSSIAN |
Россия — священная наша держава, |
| TRANSLITERATION |
Rossiya — svyashchennaya nasha derzhava, |
| WANDERERS (UNOFFICIAL) TRANSLATION |
BMW — our sacred power, |
I am sure you will all agree – very moving.
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Then came a time of change and a return to Western Europe. Beamer embarked on his first singing escapade as Dutch band the Van der Wursts – with the unforgettable tour – Rock around the Wurst!! |
This tour was watched by a young Mick Jagger and if things had gone differently many agree that with a slightly different turn of events the stones may well have become the Wursts!!
By the 80’s beamer was back in the UK and his insatiable appetite for speed and beautiful woman was rife!! His famous quote of:
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual
carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a
rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
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He went into rally driving, and was notoriously the craziest driver the planet has ever seen. Many co pilots/navigators have been reduced to quivering wrecks and some (Bally) refuse to travel by any other means than public transport since!! |
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Along with a great love of sports came a love of gambling. In 2001 (at the age of 96!!) he combined the 2 and rode a winner at the Hong Kong Cup meet. This feat along with the fact that he tattooed himself with a picture of the horse, using a biro and his finger nails on the way round, have gone down in racing history!! |
Beamer arrived at Wanderers a legend and continued in that vein over the next 6 years – recanting many stories of past victories and living through what would become future stories!!
The man who will remain synonymous with his best friend the Duke of Cambridge, and who taught the Prince of Wales to Drive, will go down in history as achieving his aim, of becoming, undoubtedly, unequivocally and unashamedly ENGLISH.
Now that you know the man – how would he write a match report??
Well I cannot hope to do him justice, but I will endeavour to do my best:
It was a bright crisp morning as Wanderers arrived – some barefoot, to the magnificent stadium of Woking. The scene was one of differing pain two years earlier as the arbitrator lack of timeliness cost the itinerants to lose 2 valuable points. This time no yellow chariot and no bearded adjudicator – revenge was top of mind – like an angered man looking at a monkey up a tree sipping gentle from a stolen G&T.
A tree had grown in the spot where the current captain has so generously fertilised two years earlier – the very tree that the monkey chose to climb – very very drunk.
And so the match began and it was in blinding sunlight that the Wander team refused to “er”r!! And soon there was great reward. Scoring a goal is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You unsheathe, take aim, and carefully but powerfully slot it home to be covered in glory! Woof woof ding dong!!
There was belief and there was desire, and there was also despair, a quick ball, a swift break, a onetime shot, the death rattle as the ball resonated against the backboard. 1-1.
Then the move of match, one two, one two, intricate passing, drive my beauties drive – closer to the D the sun beating down showing the way to an empty goal, the shot struck and yes... BUT HORROR NOOOOOOO, it is wide, it is gone, it is not so and it is why I am writing this report.
The game went on but it could not douse the memory, constructive and resolute – non shall pass and non did. 1-1 the result – but the thought of 2 points missed loomed large.
And off I go back to Battersea for a curry with a Guatemalan named Patrick.
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